You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Drake has all the answers
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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