if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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