I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize