just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i've created a new STD.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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