Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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