I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
