I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
