She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
