I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
