I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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