i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
