a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
