I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
