she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
