i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
