you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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