Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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