R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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