I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
