You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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