im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
