Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize