I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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