we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
