btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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