all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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