mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Found the puke drawer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize