Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
from now on my penis is your penis
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Someone shit on the floor
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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