my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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