She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
