Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
