I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He? As in you personified your dick?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
