There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
