I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
