drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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