the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
