Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
