Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
