I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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