you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
