He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
we're making bets on your personal life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
