I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
