Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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