we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
