if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
