So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize