So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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