I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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