If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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