I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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