It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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