You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
