I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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