an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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