The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize