oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
