I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize