ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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