I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
