I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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