He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
