my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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