then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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