Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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