drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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